The 'End Justifies the Means' Series
by InsideAwayXtreme
Summary: Jeff talks about his goddess, and all her mortal flaws
1. Lift

Lift  
  
By InsideAwayXtreme  
  
Lift up your head  
  
Focus on every detail  
  
Jeff looked up from his worn-out journal and heeded to his own words. He looked around. Nothing but a dark, dank hotel room at four in the morning. The usual setting for his late night spurts of creativity. But this one was different.  
  
He saw every intricate detail in the musty-smelling comforter, every fold in the vinyl lamp shade, every painted-over grain in the off white ceiling. It didn't look so dull. The details of it made the entire room look amazing. Jeff rubbed his eyes to remind his mind where he was. But his mind wouldn't listen. It wanted to focus on details. It wanted to focus on her.  
  
Why does this illusion bring so much confusion  
  
When all I can dream of is you  
  
Jeff happily sighed as a vision of her came into his mind. She was all he could think about. She was his image of perfection. Everything about her was amazing. She was exactly like him, only different. He closed his eyes and rested his head on his journal but his pen continued to move.  
  
Lift up your head  
  
We're rising with every breath  
  
A Liquid solution a chemical fusion  
  
When all I can dream of is you  
  
Constantly feeling the earth spinning around  
  
But I'm standing alone  
  
With you I see stars in your eyes  
  
In a trance I'm so high  
  
With you I survive  
  
Let's get away now!  
  
His mind envisioned them flying. They were never together as much as he wanted them to be. He could be with her all day and all night and never tire of her face, her smile, her eyes. Jeff took her hand and they were flying. Passing clouds and stars, feeling the wind through his hair and into his clothing. But all he heard was her laughter. Her melodious laugher rang out over the howling of the wind as they sailed higher and higher. Jeff couldn't help but smile. When she was happy, he was happy.  
  
Imagine there's no one around  
  
Imagine you're not just a face in the crowd  
  
There's a new set of rules  
  
No more pain of confusion  
  
You're numb to the world that you know  
  
I'm constantly feeling like nothing's bringing me down  
  
cause you're always around  
  
Jeff opened his eyes up and flipped a few pages back in his journal. There, folded up, buried in the spine of his journal, was the letter she wrote him the last time he left her. God how he hated to leave her. It was like he was leaving her to the hell he pulled her out of. He was so protective of her. She had gone through so much pain and suffering. Jeff never wanted her to hurt again. She didn't deserve it.  
  
He reread her letter a thousand times. In it, she wrote what he always wanted her to tell him, but she could never make her lips form the words. Written in her familiar handwriting were scrawled her countless stories of abuse, depression, suicide attempts. How could such a beautiful, smiling girl shove a kitchen knife deep into her chest after slitting her wrists seventeen times in one month? What could drive a person to feel that? Jeff shuddered at the idea. He didn't even want to think about it. All he knew is that he wanted to give her all the happiness in the world. He couldn't' take away her memories or her scars, but he could make her happy.  
  
With you I see stars in your eyes  
  
In a trance we're alive  
  
Ten feet off of the ground  
  
Let's turn it up now!  
  
I got you  
  
It's ready for you  
  
It's amazing where everyone goes in the end  
  
Everything was so perfect with her in his life. She showed him that not everyone's lives were perfect, and people could overcome unheard of adversity. It put everything he had ever suffered to into perspective. He had so much respect for her, so much pride. He could just stare at her for hours and never advert his eyes once.  
  
But every time he dreamt about her, all they did was fly. They intertwined their fingers, took a deep breath, and flew into the darkness. Not afraid of the unknown or what was to come, because they had each other. Together they could overcome anything. They had both individually accomplished so much. They were best friends and lovers. As long as they were together, nothing else mattered.  
  
Why does this illusion bring so much confusion  
  
When all I can dream of is you  
  
I'm on the ground  
  
I'm off the ground  
  
Jeff opened his eyes violently when Matt shut the door behind him. "Oh shit lil bro did I wake you?" Matt asked, tiptoeing to the other bed. Jeff shook his head. "Just thinking, just thinking and writing." Matt nodded his head and walked into the bathroom.  
  
Ten feet off when I'm with you  
  
I could be true with you  
  
I could be through with you  
  
Don't you get it we're alive  
  
Completely out of sight  
  
We're running out of time  
  
With love we can survive  
  
Jeff smiled as he looked at his words trail off the paper. It's amazing what she does to me he thought. I can't even finish a poem anymore. Words simply can't explain what I feel for her. Might as well just end the thing and go to sleep. Dreaming about her is more satisfying. I turn into such a putz when I think about her. I hope she knows what I feel. I'm in love. Jeff Hardy is in love. And I'm going to do anything I can do to make her happy. She means more to me than life itself. He picked up his pen again and smiling he finished his entry.  
  
Don't you get it we're alive  
  
Completely out of sight  
  
With love we will survive  
  
Song by Flickerstick, "Lift" 


	2. You Do It All The Time

You Do It All The Time  
  
  
  
Hey, you do it all the time  
  
Hey, you do it all  
  
So take a breath, I know you're feeling jaded  
  
Whoever said something that was perfect was easy? Jeff sighed as he started to write again. He lifted up his pen from the familiar paper and shook his head. It's a damn good thing I love her so much. He thought. Putting the pen back on the paper, he continued to write.  
  
Talking about the time that you left me  
  
Naked and face down in the hotel hallway  
  
Dallas, Texas, 3 a.m.  
  
It wasn't the first time she went storming off, and it probably wouldn't be the last. She relates everything that happens in her life to all the terrible things in her life. She knew he squirmed at the thought of her attempting suicide. She knew how to push his buttons. So when she wanted attention, how she didn't get enough Jeff could never understand, she pulled a knife and started slowly cutting her wrists, smiling as the blood trickled down her pale skin right in front of him. The last time she did it, they had just finished making love, and were lying in each other's arms, listening to each other breathe. It was so serene and placid. But suddenly she jumped out of the bed and started screaming. Not screaming at him per say, but screaming at whatever demon she hadn't conquered yet. It drove Jeff insane. What was she doing? She was so happy a minute ago. All he wanted to do was run up and grab the knife out of her hands. But sadly he knew that wouldn't accomplish anything. She wasn't trying to kill herself. She was trying to prove a point. She was showing Jeff that she could, whenever she wanted. She knows that hurts her and hurts him even more. Then she would storm out, blood dripping down her arm as she slammed the door behind her. Jeff wanted to run after her with everything in his being. This isn't the first. He sadly thought to himself as he put his head on the pillow. He recoiled in fear as he saw the white pillow stained with her blood out of the corner of his eye. He threw the pillow across the room. And I know it wont' be the last.  
  
But I know the telephone would ring  
  
And you'd say all those beautiful things  
  
Oh how you do it all the time  
  
How you get me on the line  
  
Your explanation  
  
All Jeff had to do when she ran out was to turn on his cell phone. Within a few hours, her shaky, teary-eyed voice would softly ring out over the air waves. Inside he was so relieved, knowing she was okay. But he knew she wasn't okay. She still had problems even he couldn't help her with. But she wasn't willing to deal with them. So Jeff was forced to. The worst part was knowing that this was routine, a normal occurrence. That was what bothered him the most.  
  
Hey, you do it all the time  
  
Hey, you do it all  
  
And when the drugs wear off  
  
You find you're not so tough  
  
You think that you're so special  
  
That you're high above the rest  
  
But I know the telephone would ring  
  
And you'd say all those beautiful things  
  
He'd coax her to come back from wherever she was, to stop whatever she was doing and come home. She'd be at the door a few minutes later, looking pale and haggard. He'd take her in his arms and she'd apologize over and over again. He'd take his medical kit out and bandage up her scarred and bloody wrists, comb her hair, dress her in a pair of his boxers and a tee shirt, and wrap her up in the blanket next to him. She'd fall asleep within minutes and Jeff would just stare at her wondering. How could this keep happening? She is my love, my image of perfection, and not even this can change that. But how can I help her? I need to get her out of this downward spiral of self mutilation and regression. She needs help and I don't think I can help her.  
  
Oh how you do it all the time  
  
How you get me on the line  
  
Your explanation  
  
Hey, you do it all the time  
  
Hey, you do it all  
  
And now I know I've got the right idea  
  
Jeff knew why she did it. She wanted attention. She wanted him to continually 'save' her from whatever evil she had created. It was as if her image of the relationship was a damsel in distress and her shining knight. It seemed like she couldn't have a relationship or a conversation unless she had a problem, unless she needed help.  
  
No one is ever changing me again you see  
  
In any little way  
  
It's so amazing how the years  
  
Seem shorter now I know  
  
But Jeff couldn't physically or emotionally deal with that. There was no possible way he could support two people, especially someone like her who needed such continual care and love. But he didn't want to lose her. He couldn't imagine his life without her in it. She was truly a Goddess. A very disturbed one, but a Goddess nonetheless. Everyone has their past, their problems, their weak points. But can I deal with hers? Is this relationship even a relationship at all? He wondered. He was more afraid of what she'd do to herself if he left her than when she ran out in the middle of the night.  
  
It's not what I'm used to today  
  
Hey, you do it all the time  
  
Hey, you do it all  
  
Come on now you do it all the time  
  
You know that you do it all the time  
  
Come on how you do it all the time  
  
Sighing, Jeff shut his journal. This isn't helping. Admitting defeat, he stood up and picked up the phone. He had to talk to her. If that didn't work, he didn't know what would. But he realized he was ready to deal with whatever was on the other end of that phone, whether it be his Goddess, or his Satan.  
  
*Flickerstick, "Hey!" 


	3. In The End

In The End  
  
It starts with one thing  
  
I don't know why  
  
It doesn't even matter how hard you try  
  
Keep that in mind  
  
I designed this rhyme  
  
To explain in due time  
  
All I know  
  
Jeff found himself in the most familiar place. The place where he scrawls out his feelings, writes a poem or two, but most importantly, it's the place where he brings closure to his life. It's not a very environmentally suitable place, but hell, a hotel room works. Just as long as he's sprawled out across the rock-hard mattress with his feet hanging off the back with his journal open in front of him and a pen in hand, it was his place. Nothing else mattered.  
  
This place was to achieve a very important task this chilly November eve. Jeff was ready to let go. He was ready to move on. The words stung his brain to think them, but he knew they were true. It was over. His image of perfection? No more. His love? No more. His Goddess? Proved fallible, just like everything else.  
  
But he wanted to write. He wrote to sort out his feelings, to help himself decide what was right by listening to his pen, and not his mind. It had never steered him wrong. But his writings also served as a warning to himself. And this, he thought, is a big fucking neon flashing sign. Jeff sighed, and started to write.  
  
Time is a valuable thing  
  
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings  
  
Watch it count down to the end of the day  
  
The clock ticks life away  
  
It's so unreal  
  
Didn't look out below  
  
Looking back on everything that had happened, he knew where he had given things up to be with her. He realized that, and accepted that. Hell, he wouldn't change it if he went back and did it all over again. He was in love. Jeff saw through her faults, her past, and showed her true happiness. Or so he thought.  
  
Watch the time go right out the window  
  
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know  
  
Wasted it all just to watch you go  
  
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart  
  
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when  
  
I tried so hard  
  
And got so far  
  
But in the end  
  
It doesn't even matter  
  
I had to fall  
  
To lose it all  
  
But in the end  
  
It doesn't even matter  
  
Pausing in his writing, Jeff reread what he had just so furiously scrawled in the pages of his journal. It basically summed up the entire relationship. Once she finally broke down and told him of all the evils she had encountered, every suicide attempt, every beating, every rape, he shouldered them. Jeff realized he had to be strong for her, even though the mere thought of any of those made his sick to his stomach. He was the strong one. He tried extra hard to show her the happiness life and love can bring.  
  
I tried so hard  
  
In spite of the way you were mocking me  
  
Acting like I was part of your property  
  
Remembering all the times you fought with me  
  
I'm surprised it got so far  
  
But it didn't work. Even with all her attempts, she started to slip back into her old way of life. She couldn't go a day without cutting herself, she said it made her feel alive. She'd do it right in front of Jeff to show him that she could, even though she knew it tore apart his insides. No matter what Jeff did, none of the flowers, the phone calls, the poems, nothing, she still couldn't stop hurting herself. But Jeff wasn't one to give up. He loved her and he was going to make her better.  
  
But she never did get better. He ran to her house from the airport one evening with a dozen roses. He was so excited to see her, his heart was bursting with anticipation. But when he got to her home, he couldn't find her. Not at first at least. Shaking in preparation for the unknown, he went to her 'hiding spot' next to the tree in her back yard. He found her. She had stabbed herself in the chest after slicing her wrists and her throat open. Her body was covered in blood, her beautiful eyes blankly staring ahead.  
  
After immediately throwing up several times, Jeff started towards her body. Her bones were visible through the gashes in her wrists, her head barely attached, she had sliced through her own neck so far. Jeff carefully reached up and shut her eyes. He couldn't bear to see them so peaceful, so serene, even in death. Lying under her left wrist was a note. He was praying she had left a note. Carefully sliding the bloodied paper out from under her gashed arm, he sat down against the other side of the tree, shaking uncontrollably as he read the last words and thoughts of his Goddess.  
  
Jeff,  
  
I know you're the only one who's going to find me. You're the only one who cares enough to look for me. And for that I thank you. You are the most amazing person I've ever met. You extended your hand to me when I couldn't find my way. You made me smile in a time of pain. But nothing you could do could make what I feel go away. I couldn't pretend anymore. I couldn't live my life. I just couldn't. I needed to do what I've been cowardly trying to do for years. It's over Jeff. I'm sorry you met me, I'm sorry you tried to help me. Because I've been beyond help since the day I was born.  
  
He broke down in tears. He tried to convince himself every day that she was okay. But in the back of his mind, he knew this was going to happen. It was an odd feeling. A feeling of loss, of regret, of trying to understand where he went wrong, but at the same time realizing he did everything right and nothing could be changed. His Goddess was less than a mere mortal, a cowardly one at that.  
  
Walking back around the tree, he again saw the spectacle that became of his lover's death. Sighing, he wrapped his arms around her to move her from her death position. Jeff threw up again once he realized that the knife stuck deep into her chest had actually gone so deep that it exited her back, and was stuck two inches into the tree behind her. Shaking in horror, in disbelief, in whatever feeling he was feeling, he opened up his cell phone and dialed 911.  
  
Things aren't the way they were before  
  
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore  
  
Not that you knew me back then  
  
But it all comes back to me in the end  
  
And several months later, Jeff was back where he started, in his hotel room. Sighing, Jeff paused from his writing and looked out the window. He never really made a decision what had happened to her. Did she go to Heaven? Did she go to Hell? He never knew whether to look at the sky or towards the ground when he thought about her. He was such a different person now. More reserved, more thoughtful, more closed up. She never escaped his mind though. No matter what he thought happened to her, he always imagined them flying. Still flying.  
  
You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart  
  
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I  
  
I tried so hard  
  
And got so far  
  
But in the end  
  
It doesn't even matter  
  
Everything he did was a lie. Everything he tried to accomplish with her was a lie. All his poems, all her letters, all her smiles were nothing but a facade. But he wouldn't change it. Nope. I wouldn't change it for the world, he thought. I loved and I lost and I'm still here. But nothing I did mattered to her. She ended up exactly where she wanted to be before I came into her life.  
  
  
  
I had to fall  
  
To lose it all  
  
But in the end  
  
It doesn't even matter  
  
Jeff closed his journal and stretched his arms over his head. Looking down at the closed journal, he realized what he had just done. He hadn't just stopped writing, or closed his journal, he closed a chapter of his life. One he understood and didn't regret, but pains him to this day.  
  
"And from here, I move on." Jeff said aloud. "Maybe in the end nothing does matter, but I'm sure as hell not going to think about that until I've reached the end. And that's not coming for a long time if Jeff Hardy has any say in the matter!"  
  
*Linkin Park "In The End"* 


End file.
